Aaj Tujhe Soch Aaya

Jo aaj kisne ne pooch liya Haal mera,

Khamosh hokey behaali hai saboot de aaya,

Woh poochta raha sabab meri mayusiyun ka,

Mei phir badnaami se tera naam bacha laya,

Fajr ki sohbat mei tera zikr karta raha,

Siyah deewarun pe tera naksh kar aaya,

Khud se hi soocha tujhe khamosh andehron mei,

Chirag taley tera chehra chupa laya,

Chupa jo liya tujhe khud mei yun,

Washiyat ke aangan mei khud ko behosh paaya,

Jo tasbeyun pe tujhe padh liya umar bhar,

Aaj Mealey panun mei tujhe likh aaya,

Baithe hun darichun mei khamoshi ko waqeel banakar,

Mujrim tu tha,par khud ko saza suna aaya,

Har sawaal ko tak ta raha jee bhar ke,

Har jawaab ko sawaalun se bacha laya,

Apne serhane pe rakh ke socha tujhe,

Bandh ankhun mei tujhe ji aaya,

Laut kar qaid kar liya har khwab ko,

Par kabhi guftagu mei tera naam na laya,

Kagaaz ki silvatun mei likh liya tujhe,

Dabey sanduk mei tujhe har shaam chupa aaya,

Jaltey hue laptun mei rehne ki aadat si hogayi,

Aaj khidkiyan bankh karke khud ko jala laya…

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My country raped me!!!!!

I am the daughter of the country, which choose to rape me.

While I gazed at the hollow eyes of my father, I made peace within the closed doors of my house. With prayers of a rightful heir deafened my ears everyday, the moral idea of ideal culture somehow wrapped itself with the scarf over my head. Amidst the chaos of insanity that finds shelter within the dark shadows of our society, I hate to admit that I existed as a women. While I was imprisoned, besieged by the clerics & ethics, my brother seemed to walk right through the judgemental gazes. Very evening sitting beside my mum, I used to love hearing him say stories about the place, where he said existed countless kids laughing, talking, playing & studying together. It seemed like paradise & they called it a school. While I would dust the house, I used to find so much enthusiasm within everyone, as he used to dress up in fine shining white shirt, creased trousers & hair, combed to absolute to perfection. He used to carefully pull his bag on his right shoulder while he walked past the tattered gate heading off to school. All I used to think all day trapped within the boundaries of my house & mind, why can’t I be one amongst him?

Time went by, dreams vanished so did the thoughts.

While queuing up at metro stations, bus stands, I used to fight my way through to somehow to find my breathing space amongst the million tired face. Sometimes in buses, while sometimes in crowded metros, I used to inch my way to a little comfort, yet the smirky stares used to make me feel naked. The secretive brushes off my back, the constant adjustments to my clothes , just made it so much difficult. Well, I used to get terribly angry, but then I used to remember how my family had always told me, not to react & adjust with everything coming my way.

Time went by, my sense of dignity vanished so did the self respect.

As I wore the shimmering lehengas to walk down the aisle with a million dreams & countless hesitations, there I saw him. He was the man of my dreams. He had promised me to hold me in worse & best, in good & bad, HE ; for me was my guardian star. He was the man I was getting married to, with a dream of a happier & peaceful life. The journey seemed beautiful at the first look of it until the first scar showed itself. Watching my father buying me a life of peace by paying the hefty price to the bidder. That day I realised it wasn’t only me whom that man was marrying. He was also bringing home a guarantee for his prosperous meterialistic future. Soon I was being realised, it not about equality anymore. HE OWNS ME. I have to please him, whenever he wants, however he wants. I have to feed him even if I am hungry, I have to respect him even if he snubs me off all the time, I have to listen to him even if he doesn’t let me speak, I have to be an ideal slave, even when he is not even a master.

Time went by, my sense of love vanished so did my idea of joy.

While walking on the street in a lonely evening, someone grabbed me & pushed me to the shadows in the darkest & silent corner of the street. I could feel his hands holding me tight as he pervertly tore of every piece of dignity I had left in me. I trembled in fear while his smirky devilish smile made him feel stronger with every move. Helpless as I could be, he tarnished every inch of my body while the world passed by right across on the busy road. Lying there in the saddest pain & trembling fear I sobbed to bid goodbye to my ruined carcass. He left me to perish in the dark. While I somehow gathered the strength to find my way to the place I used to call home. All I could see was fingers pointed towards my choice of clothes, choice of time to go out & above all towards the wrong signals I might have given.

I wanted to fight for justice in the blind courts of law, I wanted the deaf law hear my screams, all I wanted was just to be heard. Indeed they heard me, they heard me well.

They raped me again in front of hundreds of people, on the shimmering media sets, they raped me in the details of my police reports. They raped me again n again while they made me sit in for hours repeating countless times where all did that animal bite me. They even raped me in courts where they fought hard to prove that I gave myself amidst lust as I had always been engraved in it. The society looked at me countless times in countless ways to pass judgements in countless stares.

Suddenly from a daughter, a sister, a wife, I was one of the countless RAPE VICTIMS.

The country which prayed to devis, a country which starts their day by bowing down in front of a goddess, suddenly didn’t want to hear about a goddess who was tarnished in their backyard.

The liberals were sympathetic but spineless, the extremists pointed blames, the administration was busy providing security to the ones who wanted temples to be built, the clerics where busy trying to built mosques, while the common people were busy fighting to make ends meet.

As I lay burying myself under the darkness of my soul, all I look forward is to perish. In a country of countless rapes, I don’t want to end up as just a dusty file lying hidden in the darkest corner of the shaggy room. Maybe what my being couldn’t do, somehow my death might.

I was the daughter of this country, but my country raped me.

Khuda ko banth Aaya Hun

“Fakr kar mujhpe, Aaj Khuda ko banth aaya hun,

Kuch ko shia,kuch ko sunni bana laya hun,

Aaj kya ronakh dekh li iblees ke ghar mei,

Masjid khali karke, makhane saja laya hun,

Dil mei hasad kareeb karke, kalme padta hun,

Mei toh woh hun jo tasbeeyun ke bazaar bhicha laya hun,

Wahabiyun ko khaleefon ka Fitoor sunake aaya hun,

Barelviyun ko Wahabiyun ka kina sikha ke laya hun,

Is masjid mei kaun hai jo kehde jootha Hun mei,

Mei toh, duniya ko dikhake sakhi keh laya Hun,

Mei magfirat maangta hun haram mei jhuk ke,

Mei Yateemun ka hak jala kar Haji kehlaya hun,

Ja keh zamane se mei iblees ka yaar Hun,

Mei daulat Hun,izzat toh bepanaah laya hun,

Jin munafiqeen pe lanath bejhte ho,

Arey mei unhe tumhi logun mei alim bana laya hun,

Banth chuka hun khuda ko mei,

Har imaam mei alag sa firka laya hun,

Wasu karke paakh karle khudko ae insaan,

Mei toh teri aadat hi kharab laya hun,

Jannat ki Arzoo karta reh akhirat tak,

Mei toh tere liye dosak likh aaya hun,

Kalme padh taraviyun pe khade rehke,

Mei toh tere rozey hi makru kar aaya hun,

Haraam ki daulat kama ke masjid bana le kuch waqt mei,

Mei har eenth mei sood khori likhwa laya hun,

Fakr kar mujh pe, aaj khuda banth laya hun,

Iblees ko khuda banake, khud ko firoon bana laya hun…..

Dear People…

All I wanted to ever say is right here. All you need to do is think hard & understand.

Drop me to the train which leaves this city, Drive me to the darkest woods & snub the city lights. Who shall it be, who judges the soul of mine, I propose to be an advocate of my being. Lest do I hold close the Crimson dawns of the forgotten sky, I yet ponder on the drowning eyes of the sun. Look within me yet again, I still hold the fury of a million storms.

Under the creek buried beneath the snow, I sung for the autumn to fall, I am the cold of the frosts, i pluck the first flowers of the dawning springs. Close the panes, the light is trapped within my soul, as I yearn endlessly till eternity. I have fed on the silence of chaos, shall I not break bread with the noise of being.

Guide me home today, they say I have walked these terrains astray, call me holy & praise me well, the saints say I have sinned enough. Dawn upon me the silks of the west, the robes of satin seem to make me god. I live within the falling stars, Shall I be the only one who makes them fall. Hold your city lights , I love to walk in the lamps. All I yet seek to fetch upon, the fallen pieces of the broken hearts.

With love,

A Astray Man

Somewhere on earth

The Girl Who Seemed Lost

“As she stared at the mirror at the darkest corner of her room, she never could stop noticing the frayed emptiness within her pale eyes. Indeed her room smelled of his cologne, she wears it every day over her soul; Dancing on a tune which takes her to a memory lane a million skies away. Drowned under a thought of being what she was, she kept on thinking about what she could have been. The classics on her music player kept repeating themselves to the empty house of noises.

As she painted a million thoughts in the smoke that grew stronger within her chest, she kept on snubbing the ash over the words which were written all over the book she held. The television never seemed to go off & her dog never seemed to leave her sight. While she basked under the chants of friendship, she still held her teddy closer to chase away her nights. Deafened by the silence of mom, echoed the laughs of her dad, She hugs herself crawling under the linen of her loneliness to sleep within a glittering room of million lights.

While she burns up her canvas with colors, often does she dusts off her brush back to grey. With every masterpiece crept silently by the side of her bed, never does she forget to hide those pile of pages which define her. Carefully creased somewhere under the weight of a thousand books, away from the light of that handmade lamp that stands on the edge of her room.  While she loves to flicker them every day, never has she found a perfect ending to her sober story. Tripping off her heels, she holds her glass close enough, quite a hate for brittle things, indeed she mends everything except her heart.

As she stares at the mirror every morning to wear her smile on that face, she forgets that mirror still lies in the darkest corner of the room.

Yes! Indeed she grew up to be a woman just so fine, but somewhere within the loneliest corner of her closet lays aloof a childhood yet so quiet.

Dear Mrs Shah,

“Beyond the crimson horizon of dying sun, he couldn’t find the calm of the evenings. The world may echo his words in laughs , he lay silently besides the echoes of his thoughts. How far has he come? The word of calm seemed longed enough, the words never wrote itself with a pen. Was he fading away from the calls of his destined truth , soaring towards the epitome of dying lies. In the path of forgetting her , he lost his way home.”

Dear Mrs Shah,

How are you? It seems quite weird that I haven’t asked you from a while, how is your health? Never asked you, did the pain in your knee vanish ? Did the medicines help? It’s so ironical that you know everything that is happening in my life , even the watch on my side table which I always forget. Running after me for that morning breakfast that I keep on skipping. I hardly remember when did I last asked you , did u have your breakfast ?

Sometimes it makes me think, just because one person left my side, just because one relation chose to find it’s joy in the world , I just started doubting every bond which I ever had. I crept silently within the dark corners hiding in me. I had just forgotten how irrelevant all those lies were. I chose to shut the doors to every emotion which made me fragile, not understanding that your being was the only thing that could hold me together.

I don’t remember when was the last time I sat and heard you well. I have no idea how long has it been since I asked you how was I looking ? I forgot to notice the smile on your face just to make me laugh a little. When was the last time I told you that you’re the prettiest? I don’t even know which song do you like to listen & how much do you miss hearing my weird words? I just forgot it all.

As people chose their family I just forgot to find mine.

It’s already 2:30 in the morning as I write to you & the only thing that crosses my mind is how can be such a ungrateful hypocrite. As I was drowning in my own memories , you were teaching me how to swim. As I lay shut to the world , you were bringing the world to me.

In the world of Romeo & Juliet’s , I forgot about Mary. Forgive me !

Let me listen to you again, let me tell you all my tales. Let me tell you that you’re the prettiest lady I shall ever see & let me sing with you the song you love the most. Let me live with you a little, because all that I know is you are the truth in this world of lies.

No Juliet can be what this Mary is!

Thank you for being there. Indeed you are life.

I love you Maa. Forgive me!

With Love,

Your Son,

Three Rays Villa,

Srinagar

Dear Toto,

Letters to one you love.

“Love can’t be repented, neither forgotten nor rejected. The illusion of forgetting is for the mind to lie & always rejected by heart. Never can we find a perfect world, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. Living in delusion of strongest memories is the world we chase in real. Lest we forget, it is right there, within us”

Dear Toto,

As the smoke fades off the burnt ash in the wake of this cold night, I can’t help to think of you. How have u been? It seems a lifetime since I wrote my heart out. More than that, whom should I write my heart out to?  Seems i lost track of those countless thoughts which mummer in my head everyday. 

Indeed it’s been long since I have seen u last, I still feel those cold chills down my spine. I still feel so much was left to say, so much I wanted to say but never could. The smell of your perfume still makes me so nostalgic. That sunset still seems to wrap the dusk of crimson all over my memories. What went wrong between us? Why did we walk off like strangers when we were the only two people who seemed fimiliar in a throng of million. 

A year which seemed to never end, the voices which seem to never fade. The texts seem to never reach, calls! Ugh! I wish I could find words to calm the nostalgia in me. I always thought but didn’t have the courage to try. 

Yeah! It’s true, every morning I wake up with a dying fragile hope to believe maybe , somehow I have a text from you. Yeah! I still try to see your picture at least once a day. You know, the other day a friend said , “Love can’t be repented, neither forgotten nor rejected. The illusion of forgetting is for the mind to lie & always rejected by heart. Never can we find a perfect world, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist”.

I heard him, I heard him well. All I did was remain silent. I wish I could have contradicted him, but within me I just knew the truth. So I didn’t.

I hope you have found your soulmate already, I hope he makes u smile. All I can believe is that somewhere I live in you just like the shadow in the dark. I hope you sometimes you think of me. Well that wouldn’t make it a perfect world for me, but it shall at least make this world a little better. 

Do u still click pictures? Do you still laugh with that growling noise? Do you still wear those faded red threads on your wrist ? I hope you still dance in the car while driving. Do you still keep your bag on the backseat ? Does it still have your fav perfume ? 

I hope you are still the same because I changed, I changed a lot. I still don’t know how to sing but now i don’t even try. I guess it’s been a lifetime since I found myself good looking . I still call a “Helmet” , a “Hemlet” …… the only difference is no one corrects me now. That changes everything in me.

I miss you!

Love,

Shah

Srinagar,

20/12/2017